Now this is you. This is really truly you.
That’s one of the lines of “Sort samvittighed”, a musical currently running in Betty Nansen in Copenhagen.
The women are lined up, in pink gowns and hair in curlers, and they sing that line to eachother over and over again.
As if they’ve been through a makeover that has polished off their rough edges and revealed their true natures inside.
Makes me wonder if this is a universally female experience, this feeling of not knowing ourselves.
Because no matter how far I stand back, I also can’t see the pattern of my own identity. It exists, but I can’t see it, and I keep feeling compelled to come up with new things to slap on top that will make me feel like I can finally define who I am, wheather it’s a sport, hobby, hairstyle, or place of residence.
There has never been one overarching meaningful thing guiding what I do, what I choose.
It’s like I’m looking at a patchwork filled with random pieces in random materials and colours and shapes. Maybe if I stood far enough back I could spot a pattern.
Maybe that Betty Nansen play is an indication that a lot of women have this makeover desire. Like a need to define who we are through external things because somehow the rest of us seems too intangible?
I don’t have the answer.
But here is a patchwork of what my life has looked like in the past few weeks:
Ellie is the love of my life.
I made a knitting needle organiser for my circular needles.
And one for my Double Pointed Needles.
I finished knitting a vest but I think it might be slightly too small.
I go bouldering every week. It’s my outlet, I need it to control my anxiety and it’s good exercise. It’s like a reset button that makes everything feel okay again. I dread it and I don’t want to go, but my brain is not a reliable judge of what’s good for me. So I go anyway.
Lead climbing is the same, just a million times more potent. A million times more dread, a million times more peace.
My 9-5 probably takes up the majority of my time. I work in marketing. Right now, I cosplay as a journalist. I write blog posts and newsletters based off of customer and employee interviews. It’s a corporate job, it’s not art. But I take my wins where I can. It might not be much, but talking to interesting people about their experiences and writing about it is kind of nice. Plus, we get to solve puzzles as a task pallet cleanser. Love that.
